


and in the depths of my memories

by solsticeflux



Series: it's there in black and white [1]
Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Angst, Character Study, Found Family, M/M, Team as Family, avi is mentioned, carey and killian are mentioned, i dont want to list out everyone who only appears for like a sentence, so ango's mentioned, so is sazed (unfortunately), suicidal thoughts sort of??, uplifting ending??
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-18
Updated: 2016-11-18
Packaged: 2018-08-31 16:48:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,022
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8586178
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/solsticeflux/pseuds/solsticeflux
Summary: Taako only sleeps when he has to, because when he does, he dreams.





	

**Author's Note:**

> post the funny thing first and then jump right into the dark shit anyway oh my god i marathoned taz and taako?? is so amazing??? and i homestly really just wanted to take a look into his skull for a little bit and try to interpret 
> 
> enjoy hopefully!

When Magnus and Merle go to sleep, Taako doesn’t. 

He sits in their living room, and he stares at the stars. They’re too close and too bright, but he refuses to sleep unless he absolutely has to. 

Because when he sleeps, he dreams. 

Elves can get away with sleeping far less hours than humans and most other races, but he still pushes his luck. He takes the bare minimum of hours needed for survival and he fucking _makes it work._

So when his luck has been pushed as far as it will go, Taako dreams. 

He dreams of a stagecoach, he dreams of a familiar face, he dreams of being abandoned. He does not put a name to the face, he does not dwell on these memories, he does not ache. Except he’s lying, except he does. He wakes on those mornings feeling out of place among his two companions. He has spent his life walking on his own; he doesn’t understand why that would change now. 

Before Merle and Magnus, the only person who ever stuck with him for long was Sazed. But Taako absolutely does not think about Sazed, he _does not_ think about thirty clove chicken, and he _does not_ think about people’s dying faces.  
Except he does, some nights it’s all he thinks about, the sputtering of people choking on their own spit, pain etched on their faces, arms outstretched as if Taako could help them and suddenly the elf is louder than their agony, suddenly he’s screaming, and screaming, and _screaming-_

Taako only sleeps when he has to. 

 

Then the Chalice shows him the secret, shows him that the deaths of forty people no longer weighs on his shoulders. It shows him that his magic had not carved the death throes into that crowd, on that day six years ago. He is absolved. He is free.  
Except he isn’t, it’s still his fault. Sazed, loyal, funny, _jealous_ Sazed, was his responsibility. He could have listened when Sazed wanted a partnership. He could have valued Sazed’s presence more. The deaths of those forty people weigh even heavier now, because he is what turned his friend into a murderer. 

The loop ends and they are safe, yet Taako feels even more trapped than before. 

 

When Kravitz comes to inquire about their recent rack-up of deaths, Taako doesn’t think very hard before inviting him to the Chug’N’Squeeze. They need to talk, and it's a relatively bad idea to do it somewhere secluded; Kravitz is literally an embodiment of death, and boy howdy have they died. Besides, the reaper is beautiful, and the elf more or less assumes he won’t get very far in his slight flirting. 

He’s wrong. 

 

For years, Taako has only cooked for himself. There are days where he idly hopes that his magic was still in-part the cause of those deaths, maybe he could poison himself, too. He squashes those thoughts down before they reach his throat to suffocate him. He has people now, he has teammates and people who care about his well-being. Another thought whispers ‘but for how long?’ and this he can barely stop from leaving his mouth in the form of the screams he is so familiar with.  
He is fine, he tells himself.  
He is fine.  
He will repeat this lie until it is true.

 

It was only a matter of time before Kravitz asked about Sizzle It Up with Taako. The elf had hoped he would never ask, or just read it in that book of his, but he also knows Kravitz isn’t like that. He braces himself for questions, and is met with only one.

“Would you cook for me sometime?” 

He tries. He tries his damndest, honest to Istus. Kravitz is already dead, he reasons with himself. It would be literally impossible to kill him over again. Plus, his magic _had not_ been why they died. He repeats it over, and over.  
It does nothing to stop the shake in his hands. 

Kravitz stops him when he nicks himself with the knife in his rapidly trembling grasp. One cold hand touches his shoulder and that’s all it takes. Taako launches himself from the kitchen and only realizes he’s lost his mask when Kravitz wipes a tear from his cheek. 

“You did your best.” He says. 

“I’m proud of you.” He says. 

“I should be able to do this.” Taako thinks. 

The rest of the date goes well enough, but after Kravitz leaves through his planar rift Taako feels so drained that he slips into sleep immediately after hitting the couch. 

The dreams are the same, for the most part. The stage, the meal, suspiciously-missing Sazed. However, there is only one person in the crowd in this version. Taako feels his eyes widen in horror and for all his effort he cannot stop his arm from extending the sample.  
Kravitz takes it and pops it into his mouth without any hesitation. The level of trust physically aches in the wizard’s chest and he watches as Kravitz convulses, once, twice, and falls. 

Taako screams louder and longer than ever before, bolting upright and essentially throwing himself into the nearest object, which just happens to be Magnus, coming to check on him.  
His throat is raw. He has not stopped screaming.

Magnus does not let him sleep alone for the next week, even staying up with him on some nights. For the first time, Taako lets himself be taken care of instead of trying to fend on his own. Angus comes by for a magic lesson. Merle removes his wooden arm to play fetch with it for the elf’s amusement. Kravitz stops by whenever he has time and sits in comfortable silence, sometimes unbraiding and rebraiding Taako’s hair tens of times. Killian and Avi bring their best alcohol. Carey trains with him without asking questions or changing her demeanor at all. 

Taako takes a deep breath. 

Maybe he can make these people his home. 

Maybe he can put his absolute faith in them.

“Yeah,” He thinks. 

“I could take a chance on this.”

He takes one small step, and begins to heal.

**Author's Note:**

> so i mean if you think i screwed up on taako's character totally tell me that but like offer some fixes too?? thanks in advance yo
> 
> honestly the aspect of taako that rings so true for me is that he is literally a performer, its his job to show the crowds what they want to see?? mm
> 
> come yell about taz with me at fluxtides on tumblr, title is from BLACK & WHITE by GHOST!!


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